To Know You

I often ask God to bring me closer to Him.  To let me know Him more, to understand the depths of His character and reflect Him.  It occurred to me the other day that I have been praying in the same manner as the most naive child.  I don't really understand what I am asking God to do.  I think somewhere in my me-centered mind, I have unconsciously thought getting closer to God would bring more favor or abundance or maybe less conflict.  If I am getting closer to God, surely this will be reflected in less financial stress.  More wisdom in parenting, and surely my children would exhibit my wisdom by their ever-increasing good behavior?  Less relational strife, perhaps.  Certainly I would expect a daily serenity to hang over me from the moment my feet hit the floor until I return to sleep, helping me to manage my emotions and daily stresses with ease and an almost supernatural grace.

But my life is not full of these kinds of tangible comforts.  In fact I have come to expect those blessings as exceptions rather than the rules of my day.  But I continue to pray to know Him more.  So what is He giving me?  "Draw close to God and He will draw close to you." -James 4:8 I am asking; I am trying to lean closely to His side.  Yesterday, while I scrubbed a wall newly stripped of eighties-style wall paper, epiphany dawned.  When I ask to know God more deeply I am really asking to experience more suffering, more unjust criticism, more earthly sorrow.   I can' t say this thought made me immediately smile, but upon  reflection,a  slow joy is beginning to dawn.


"...that I may KNOW HIM and the power of His resurrection, and MAY SHARE IN HIS SUFFERINGS, becoming like Him in His death." --Phillipians 3:10

This is the key to really understanding who my Lord is.  To endure the pains of life with a persistent belief in His undeniable goodness.  If I share in the sufferings of Christ, I experience the comfort of my Father in ways I wouldn't otherwise. "For as we share abundantly in Christ's sufferings, so through Christ we share abundantly in comfort too." -I Corinthians 1:5  What depth of His character is open to me as I walk through the fires of life.  The richness of His comfort and a well of peace opens to me in my pain-a heretofore untapped resource.  When life is pleasant, when I am well-thought of by everyone I encounter, when I can see exactly how my family's needs will be provided, when uncertainty is non-existent-I have no need to run to the loving, all-sustaining arms of my Father.  But when I am unjustly criticized, when I am lonely, when I can't see provision on the horizon-these are the times when I can plumb the vastness of His grace and the fullness of His compassion to an aching child.  If life's road were straight, minus unexpected curves and roadblocks, would I ever see His care?  Would I ever know the true meaning of His goodness?  His love for His children?

There are certainly many different types of life pain.  Appliances break down, cars won't start, children are constantly fighting, bills pile far above incoming paychecks, loved ones die unexpectedly, terminal illness afflicts someone close or even ourselves, innocent children are abused.  These are all hardships of life-either minor or not-that point us to the comfort of God or drag our eyes earthward, doubting Him.  But there is also the suffering we endure BECAUSE OF our faith.  The loss of friendships, slander at work, rejection of family members because of a principled stand.  But what ultimate joy we have knowing that either type of suffering will lead us to knowing Him more.  To understand a modicum of our Savior's sacrifice and the acceptance He offers is a prize of high value.  "...heirs of God and fellow heirs with Christ, PROVIDED WE SUFFER WITH HIM in order that we may also be glorified with him."  -Romans 8:17

So what, exactly, am I asking God when I ask to know Him more?  To grow closer to His side and become a more perfect reflection of Him?  I am asking Him to allow suffering and pain into my life.  But I have joy knowing that when He brings me pain, His compassion and comfort will wash over me in never-ending waves.  I will experience grace and peace that I have never known, and this will bring me closer to knowing the fullness of His character.  And this is what I daily pray I may never lose sight as my life-goal: to know Him more fully through sharing in suffering.
__________________________________________________________
As I study suffering, these verses (it is helpful to read them in full context) are only a few that have provided comfort and cheer.

* I Peter 5:10
*I Peter 4:13, 19
*2 Thessalonians 1:5
*James 5:10, 11
*James 1:2-3
*Romans 8:18
*I Peter 4:1
*Phillipians 1:29
* Romans 5:3
*Job 36:15

Facts, Knowledge, and Understanding

Isn't it wonderful how God weaves our everyday lives, the passages we read from His divine Word, and bits of wisdom from our brothers and sisters together?  All to teach us and pull us closer?

 I am in the midst of trying to plan the start of kindergarten for our little girl.  Today was going to be one of those days that I spread out our the new books, started the computer, and put together an outline for at least the first week or two weeks of school.  I want to write a daily plan for school in addition to the chores I need to accomplish each day, so that my whole day is printed before me in black and white in my nifty planner.  I know that these well-crafted plans are very likely to be interrupted, but I need and want to feel prepared.  I want to have a direction, a list of tasks that I can scribble off the list.  Over the summer I have read quite a few blog posts and articles regarding the first days of school.  Everything from tips to schooling when a new baby arrives (yikes!! I am still a bit terrified of that wrinkle this year), to how to maintain the house around a school schedule, to which curricula are better for certain types of learners.  I am feeling stocked on wise advice from those who have done this before me.  So I have put pencil to planner today and I am ready!

When the children lie down for nap time (or quiet time depending on if you are a girl about to enter kindergarten who is getting much too old for rest in the middle of the day), I take a quick look at facebook before I open my Bible.  The first status I see is Joni Eareckson Tada: "Knowing facts

about God is not the same as understanding who He 

is."  My heart feels a little pricked, because I definitely fall into the "I-know-a-lot-of-facts" category sometimes.  It stings a little bit when someone reminds me that a relationship is not about concrete items but drawing close.  Probably because I usually need that reminder to keep me from forgetting what a daily walk with God actually is.

On to Bible reading.  Matthew 17-18 is on tap for today.  So I open the word and read about the transfiguration, Christ's glory, and the terror the disciples felt at the voice of God.  What an amazing exhibit of the glory of Christ.  Peter didn't want to leave.  But they had to, and as the foursome walked down the mountain, they asked Jesus about the traditional teaching of the scribes.  Elijah must come before the messiah.  Jesus explains that the Elijah the leaders referenced had already come and the religious people missed him  They didn't recognize the major sign they were supposed to see before the ONE came.  (Matt 17:12)  Matthew explains that Jesus was referencing John the Baptist as the Elijah who would precede the Savior.  (After doing a little cross-referencing, I found Jesus himself say this truth in Matthew 11:14)  So, the people who were most steeped in the traditions and ancient scriptures had completely missed the coming of the man who pointed to the messiah.  Because of their oblivion, they were poised to miss the coming of the very One who had been foretold since the beginning of time.  They were about to live through His coming and His dying and His rising again without even pausing to realize everything they had been learning about was happening.  Right now.  But they had their traditions and their scriptures and their books and so they missed an encounter with the very Son of God.  Amazing.  

I don't want to settle for facts instead of a relationship.  I don't want to miss what God is doing RIGHT NOW.  I must be able to "taste and see" (Psalm 34:8) that God is goodness and truth personified or I am no better than a religious Watson.  (the mega-computer who beat Ken Jennings on Jeopardy).  "Knowing facts about God is not the same as understanding who He is."  I will know who HE is as I press closer to Him each day, and as I live these daily experiences that He metes to me.  Month after month, my understanding of His character grows and transcends mere church knowledge.  I develop understanding that has begun in facts, (Sunday school teachings) and has been fanned into understanding fueled by experience and the daily walk.

When I come back to my school books, my penciled in plans-complete with meal plans and chores and worksheets to be tackled each day-seem a little less reassuring.  It is one thing to have advice and plans and facts about the coming school year, but I it will be another to experience the routine accomplishments and failures.  So I offer this year of unpredictability to the One who knows everything, and I trust that He will use each day to increase my understanding of who He is.  That He would use even my botched daily plans to reveal to me His fulfilled promises and unforeseen measures of grace.  Don't let me miss this understanding, Lord.  Don't let me focus on my facts and my plans to the exclusion of learning who You are.  

Purpose

  I struggle with feelings of meaninglessness.  Not just day-to-day, but in most of my life I can't silence the question:  Is this all working towards anything good?  I toil most of my days in obscurity accomplishing little of consequence.  There are joys and sorrows, but are they more significant than simply a woman maintaining the house, cooking meals, and raising her children  On a larger scale, the past couple of years have brought many heartaches.  The shocking and untimely death of my father, beloved grandpa to my little girl.  The weeks before he died, we had a little robin's nest next to our garage, and every time we left the house, she begged me to lift her up to see the eggs, and eventually the baby birds.  The Sunday before my dad died, as we were leaving for church, we noticed that the little birds had been blown out of the nest and were lifeless next to the tree.  My husband and I talked in hushed tones on the way to church tossing questions back and forth.  This would be our sweet girl's first exposure to death, and it seemed quite large even as related to the birds.  How to explain?  How to introduce the knowledge of life and death-knowledge that can never be reversed-in a way that is glorifying to God.  It seemed like a large and delicate matter.  Until Friday.  When in a space of minutes my dad went from mowing his lawn to lying lifeless on the garage steps.  It seemed almost cynically laughable that less than a week before I had wondered how to talk about dead birds, when now I struggled with explaining the permanent loss of a dear and loving grandfather.  Nothing has been the same since.  And sometimes I wonder:  what is this pain, this heartbreak all working toward?  Big things and small things have been rained upon us in the interim.  Financial worries that won't go away seeming to hover in a constant black cloud.  My own grandmother suffered a sudden stroke, and the omnipresent truth is that she will never be the same.  Probably never even return to her own home.  My widowed mother has devoted countless hours to the three hour journey to her hospital and even more time on the phone being updated and keeping informed of the current status.  Why?  There is so much she herself has to oversee in the still turbulent wake of her own jolting pain.  Then there are the moves on the horizon, household appliances that take turns breaking, and the  family relationships that are sputtering from thriving and enriching to tense and wound-producing.  What is the meaning in all of this?  Sometimes I think that if I were afflicted with boils from head to toe, at least others would see a physical manifestation of the brokenness in my heart.  As it is, my affliction is hidden and deep and much of my daily struggle is keeping the mask of competency and hope in place.  But my mind allows a little voice whisper doubt about the purpose of it all.  How is God working all things together for good?  I don't know.

I have dreams that someday someone will reveal that my own pain is directly linked to a positive, God-glorifying change in their life, or even that their faith was wrought because of something I have endured.  I want to see the reason and the purpose.  I want to know that this "light and momentary affliction"
(2Cor 4:17)  really is light and only momentary.  I long to feel that there will be a day of rejoicing and gladness that is sweeter because of this current bitter gall I am drinking.  But I don't see it.  I don't feel it.

"Of course you can't see what it is doing.  Don't look to what is seen....It is working for you an eternal weight of glory.  Therefore do not lose heart."  -John Piper

That is it.  I will not pretend that it is easy or that I am magically happy.  But that is it.  That is what makes any day doable, and that is what is lacking when my days seem to overwhelm.  Where am I looking?  To the seen or the unseen?  Have I fixed my eyes PERMANENTLY on Jesus, the only One who understands.  Do I believe the intangible truth that God is always working all things for my good.  My real and ultimate good?   When I don't see it, I must walk forward in confidence anyway.  When I can't feel it, I must repeat the truths of God's goodness and compassion to myself. Preach them even.  Repeat them over and over to myself until my frenzied mind begins to still.  I still don't know what the purpose is.  But I know that this is all not purposeless.  I still can't write about the meaningful epiphanies I have experienced.  But I also can't discuss how meaningless it all is.  Because I know it isn't meaningless.  He is sovereign and good.  And someday, soon or not, the meaning that already exists will be revealed.

Please be encouraged by the song above-a song full of truth interspersed with spoken words inspired by the Word of God.  Let the melody above speak to your aching heart, as it has spoken to mine.

"For momentary, light affliction is producing for us an eternal weight of glory far beyond all comparison," (2 Corinthians 4:17)


“Though He slay me, I will hope in Him..." (Job 13:15)

Though the fig tree should not blossom
And there be no [o]fruit on the vines,
Though the yield of the olive should fail
And the fields produce no food,
Though the flock should be cut off from the fold
And there be no cattle in the stalls,
18 Yet I will exult in the Lord,
I will rejoice in the God of my salvation.  (Habakkuk 3:17-18)

Thankful

One of my favorite songs by Keith and Kristyn Getty, begins with the line, "My heart is filled with thankfulness, to Him who bore my pain."  This one phrase has been rolling around in my head over and over today.  When I ponder what Christ's death means to me, I feel as though my mind can't really comprehend it.  He died to give me life.  So simple yet so complex.  His sacrifice always increases my gratitude for salvation and my eventual reward in heaven, but it also makes me full of gratitude for the full life He provides for me while I am here on earth.

"The thief's purpose is to steal, kill, and destroy.  My purpose is to give them a rich and satisfying life." --John 10:10 NLT

"Whatever is good and perfect comes down to us from God our Father, who created all the lights in heaven.  He never changes or casts a shifting shadow."--James 1:17

"The Lord God is our sun and shield.  He gives us grace and glory.  The Lord will withhold no good thing from those who do right."  --Psalm 84:11

Sometimes I get so caught up in what is lacking or what I need, or even the dreams I hope happen sometime in the future, that I forget to savor the daily gifts that God bestows EVERY DAY.  I don't mean acknowledge them quickly and then get right back to worrying and begging and hoping for the things I REALLY want.  I mean really savor and thank God for the abundant life He has given.  All the little things that I take for granted.  Everything that adds depth and richness to life.  Each moment I appreciate because of His grace and compassion.   

When I was in college, a friend gave me a blank journal and suggested that I write one thing every day for which I was thankful.  I was pretty faithful for several years, but it almost became a ritual after awhile.  I forgot what I was actually supposed to be gleaning from recording the large and small moments that reminded me of a loving God.  I gave up the practice for a couple of years.  Ironically, when I started to feel buffeted by difficult times, I decided to return to my daily writing.  It is so much more meaningful, and my eyes feel a little more attuned to the daily (some may call them mundane) gifts from God as well as His most priceless offering of salvation to me.  What are you most thankful for today?  What unexpected moment reminded you of the fleeting and fragile gift life is?  Here are just a few that will be finding the way into my "thankful book" and my thankful heart.

A perfectly ripe, juicy peach; impossible to cut without oozing juice

A little boy's face smeared with peach juice

Leftover spaghetti for lunch

Waving to my neighbors

Wax warmers that gently freshen the air

Warm, soapy dishwater

Little girl ponytails and little boy haircuts

Bible apps for my smartphone

Little House on the Prairie books-I am loving them just as much as an adult sharing them with my girl

Bluegrass music, an instant spirit lifter

Morning prayers, breathed while I am still under the sheets

New life's movements inside me

                 Sitting at the kitchen table, looking up to see my husband HOME!