It is amazing how time flies by. If I had a penny for every time I have heard an older woman say those words-(followed by my inner rolling of my eyes)- I would be much wealthier. Seriously. But now I find myself thinking them quite frequently. So much has happened during these three months of hiatus from my newly formed blog. In a nutshell, we are having surprise baby number three, moving to a new house in two weeks, and in the next month or so, kindergarten for my oldest will begin in earnest in our new "schoolroom." With me as inexperienced teacher. My head is spinning at the rapid pace life has unexpectedly taken. I am trying hard to keep up with big picture changes and daily demands of the home and family. This is challenging work, work for which I was unprepared, which was mostly not of my own choosing. I am feeling the tug more and more to learn what "walking by faith and not by sight" actually means. Funny how I hardly ever meditated on this idea when I had the illusion of some degree of control. When I could see ahead for more than an hour at a time, I fancied that I was walking with the Lord in full faith, but now I am not so sure. I had sight, and so faith really was less a daily necessity.
My husband, mother, children, and I attended the Teach Them Diligently conference in Nashville about a month ago. One of the speakers I heard said something so true and so profound it pierced my heart. She spoke my thoughts without knowing it, and I felt shamed at the lack of faith they reflected. She said in the middle of her session on fear, "We want to see what's ahead and DECIDE if we want to go there. But we must walk by faith and not by sight." That is what I have done my whole life. I have always been able to decide if the path ahead is where I want to be, and have been well equipped to weigh the options and decide: Is it safe? Should I risk it? What will encounter? Thus my journey has been more marked with responsible decisions than with fully reliant faith. But recently God has gently eliminated my pre-planned choices, and put me on a path that is not of my timing or my choosing. (Baby #3? Really? I can barely handle the two I've got! A fixer-upper of a house? Where will we get the money to fix it up when our income has suddenly become so unreliable? These are only some of my superficial worries that I throw to heaven when I feel overwhelmed) I can't testify that I have completely lost my yearning to see ahead, to plan, to choose which path I take. But I can testify that having had my sight greatly diminished, I have been pulled closer to my Savior's side. I depend on his daily provision rather than feeling secure in what I can do for myself. Strangely I feel less burdened as I face monumental life changes. The outcome reflects not on my own abilities, but on the incomparable love and tender guidance of my God. He will lead me. Of necessity, someone as stubborn as I must be sightless to fully hold His hand, but having yielded completely to His lead, the end of the journey is sure.
I care not today what the morrow may bring,
If shadow or sunshine or rain,
The Lord I know ruleth o'er everything
And all of my worries are vain.
Living by faith, in Jesus above
Trusting, confiding, in His great love;
From all harm's safe in His sheltering arms,
I'm living by faith, and I feel no alarm.
--James Wells
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